It is my privilege to welcome Nikki Blissett of the Digital Butterfly to Mind and Love this week. Nikki is a freelance mental health writer who blogs about her experiences with Depression, Anxiety, Bipolar Disorder, and PTSD. She is a wonderful writer and I’m a big fan. I hope you appreciate her powerful guest post below; an open letter to a husband from a wife struggling with anxiety. Thank you, Nikki!
In the morning as you lie there asleep, lips parted and snoring, you have no idea that the circus has already begun in my head. Our baby boy lies in my arms, but my mind can’t focus on him, it’s full of worries.
I look at you both and you don’t seem to have a care in the world. I wish I could be like that. I wish I could feel rested when I wake up, like nightmares hadn’t invaded my brain and flooded it with more concerns. You don’t even realise that I wake up crying most nights.
You tell me not to check my phone first thing. “Have quality time with the baby, rest, relax” you say. If only you knew how impossible that is to do. My phone is pinging, lighting the room, sure I can switch it off, but that doesn’t help my anxiety. What if it’s important? What if someone’s in trouble? What if Mom needs me?
Babe, I’m exhausted. It doesn’t matter how early I go to bed. It makes no difference if I take a break in the day. I feel like my insides are shaking and my head is like a balloon that someone keeps filling up. I’m waiting to explode.
I’m sorry for shouting but please understand, I get angry when I’m most anxious. I need you to see that if I’m getting mad, something’s frightening me. I’m scared. Scared of failing, of losing you, of being a bad mom, of being alone.
You call me controlling but control is the one thing I don’t have. I feel like I’m trying to catch Autumn leaves blowing in the wind. Just as I grab hold of one worry, more and more swirl around my head. It feels like an impossible task.
When I watch you sitting in your chair, relaxing in front of the TV, it sends me in a spin. How do you do that? How do you relax? I wish I knew, I wish I could. I feel overwhelmed with worries and tasks and sitting still for me is a ticking bomb.
Please don’t tell me to “Just relax” or “Don’t Stress”. I can’t do it. I want to sit down, put my feet up and chill. I don’t want to be rushing and panicking over the small things, like making packed lunches. I don’t know how to stop. The noise in my head won’t silence. It’s like the volume is up high and I’ve lost the remote control to turn it down.
Please don’t leave me. I know my anxiety is frustrating, my moods erratic and at times you must lose the will to deal with this much longer. But please stick with me. I’m trying to fight this.
I love you, I love our kids. I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to feel like a fool and a failure, a clown in the circus of my mind. Help me, Babe. Please.
Your Anxious Wife
This article was written by Nikki, a freelance mental health writer who blogs about her experiences here: www.digitalbutterfly.life